


Carry me home tonight

by metalkiralylany



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Anxiety, Drinking, Drunk Victor Nikiforov, M/M, Yuuri is confused as hell, Yuuri's POV, i don't even know what this is, i meant for it to be a fluffy thing but that's just not happening, takes place during episode 4 before the beach talk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-21
Updated: 2017-02-21
Packaged: 2018-09-25 23:34:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9852008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/metalkiralylany/pseuds/metalkiralylany
Summary: That’s just Yuuri's life, he tries to forget about everything for a few hoursonce, and Viktor Nikiforov literally materializes from thin air to remind him that he can’t. Okay, maybe not literally and maybe he’s being a bit too dramatic about this, but can’t a man get some rest around here, seriously?- or the story where an anxious Yuuri goes for an evening run to clear his head, only to end up more confused than ever.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I still don't have a beta and English is still not my first language, and it's 4 AM, so all mistakes are my own.

Yuuri has nothing to do tonight. Well, except _that one thing_ that he is ignoring, obviously. He needs to contact the girl who composed some music for a free skate program that never got used. It should be easy, really. He just needs to send an email. Phichit – ever the optimist – said it was fine, she’ll be happy to help. He still can’t bring himself to do it, though. How do you even start something like that? _Hi, it’s me again, you know, the guy who made you waste all that time coming up with that piece for nothing in the end, but please, if you could just do it again, probably for not much more than last time as things seem to be right now, that’d be stellar!_ How could he ask that from anyone?

He buries his face in his hands and sighs. This is ridiculous. What is he even doing? _What is anyone doing?_ His family keeps acting like his former… he almost thinks _rival_ but that’s ridiculous and downright offensive to Viktor, so, whatever Viktor is to him now… they act like him being here, of all places on Earth, is a completely normal thing and not even surprising at all. Yuuri wants Viktor here. He proved that by fighting for him at the Onsen on Ice, but what _his coach_ was asking from him now was impossible; it was a waste of precious time.

Well, somewhere, in the back of his mind he knows it was absolutely possible and that _this_ is a waste of time. But that part is currently overwhelmed by racing thoughts and several highly unlikely scenarios playing out on the canvas of his closed eyelids simultaneously; one more ridiculous than the other, he _knows_ that but he _can’t make it stop._ People are _expecting things from him now, _good things_ , and Yuuri isn’t all that sure if he can live up to that. How could he, when he’s been stuck at the first, very simple step for days now? _

Choosing a piece of music or sending an email shouldn’t be this hard. It usually isn’t. Yuuri has his bad days and he gets anxious about stuff, everyone knows that – _that includes even Viktor now_ , he notes with a bitter smile – but he managed to spend _five years_ in another country without dying (of embarrassment), and he was a (somewhat) functioning adult. So how exactly did he end up holed up in his room doing _nothing_ but tapping his heels against the floor restlessly for hours, his hands curled into fists in his messy hair, wishing that everything would just _stop?_ That’s all he needs, even just five minutes when he doesn’t need to worry about anything. But there seems to be a continuous, endless supply of things to be worried about, and the world won’t just slow down for someone insignificant like him to give him a chance to catch his breath. 

He’s been on edge for days now, he hasn’t really talked to anyone and did his best to avoid being questioned about it. He caught Mari eyeing him with a frown during dinner but left quickly before she could pull him over. He’s been rude to Viktor, he knows that. Viktor keeps trying to reach out to him, he’s come up with at least fifteen things they could do together besides training, and Yuuri keeps turning him down because he can’t even look him in the eye. 

Which reminds him that he hasn’t even seen Viktor today. That’s odd. Viktor didn’t seem like the kind of person who just kept to himself, judging by the time he’s spent in Hasetsu, and as far as Yuuri was aware, he already discovered every single popular tourist spot in town. So where has he been? _Oh, god. What if…_ Yuuri’s stomach turns at the thought. 

_What if he finally had enough of me and decided to go back to Russia?_

He wouldn’t just leave without a word, he knows that, but he very much could be planning on it. Well, Yuuri can’t really blame him if he is. Viktor already told him why he had come to Japan, as unbelievable as it still sounds, but what he has been getting from Yuuri for the past few days wasn’t all that convincing. _Oh, god. He needs to fix this. He needs to…_ Yuuri isn’t sure what he needs but he knows that this isn’t helping. 

He exhales a shaky breath and rubs his eyes furiously until he sees nothing but swirling colors dancing across his vision. Still, he can’t stop his legs from shaking and his pulse racing _for absolutely no reason. He’s overreacting. Again._ He hates this, he hates it so much. People always tell him he’s being irrational, that he needs to _chill_ , but it’s not like he doesn’t know that? That’s what they usually don’t get. They can’t tell him a single thing he hasn’t already thought to himself, and even when he knows that the apocalyptic scenarios his brain keeps coming up with aren’t the least bit plausible, there’s always that one voice in the back of his mind, that asks: _well, what if you’re wrong?_ It’s always a two-way street, things could go wrong and he needs to be _prepared_ , but it’s _**impossible**_ to be prepared for every single outcome of a situation, and that knowledge is just another great addition to the ever-growing pile of things that keeps him up at night sometimes. 

He already gave up on the music for today, that’s just not happening while he’s like this, but he needs to do _something_ to snap out of it. Physical exercise helps; he figured that out a long time ago. He doesn’t feel like going back to the rink, and since it’s not even that late, Minako’s studio is probably occupied, and while he loves Minako and owes her a great deal for being there for him all these years, she, and her habit of laying hard truths on him mercilessly isn’t something he wants to deal with right now. 

He settles for a run. He has several usual routes around town, so he just lets his feet take him wherever they want to. Running is great. The rhythm of the repetitive movements doesn’t require much thought, while trying to keep his breathing even gives him something to focus on. As he puts mile after mile behind himself, he feels the emotional tension slowly dissolve, he lets go of everything and keeps running until his muscles start to burn, and he reaches the ocean. Yuuri slows down to a walk until he gets his breathing under control again, and his heart rate is back to normal. He doesn’t want to overwork himself, he still has practice tomorrow, whether he’ll have the music by then or not, but he needed this. And it worked. He finally stops to stretch his legs and arms carefully, and gets lost in the sight before him for a few minutes. Everything here is so peaceful, the sun has barely settled, the water is just beginning to lose that orange glow. He lets the deep humming of the waves reaching the shore wash over him, and he smiles. Growing up in a place like this, that sound was the thing he missed the most in Detroit. 

He stands there for a few more minutes, just enjoying the quiet calmness of the evening. Tomorrow, he’ll get back on track and do everything he can to makes things right. He turns away from the water to head back home when something catches his eye in the corner of his vision. He’s not alone here, after all. Even through his glasses it takes him a moment to make out the figure sitting in the sand, but when he catches a glimpse of silver, his heart jumps. Well, so much for the quiet, relaxing night he was planning on. That’s just his life, he tries to forget about everything for a few hours _once_ , and Viktor Nikiforov literally materializes from thin air to remind him that he can’t. Okay, maybe not literally and maybe he’s being a bit too dramatic about this, but can’t a man get some rest around here, seriously? He swallows, trying to decide what he should do now. He doesn’t think Viktor noticed him yet, so maybe he could just turn the way he came from and leave… He scolds himself for that thought, after all, he kind of just made a promise that he’ll stop avoiding his problems, and this is the perfect opportunity to start. Still, he lingers a bit more before finally pulling himself together with a deep sigh and heading towards the man on the beach. He’s a bit concerned, the ground is way too cold to sit on in this season, for who knows how long. 

He approaches the other skater slowly, looking at everything but him, his hands buried deep in his pockets. God, why does he feel like an awkward teenager around this guy? He improved a lot since day one, but still. Something is just wrong here, he thinks when he’s only a few feet away and Viktor still doesn’t seem to acknowledge his presence. He’s looking at the ocean with an unreadable expression, completely lost in his thoughts, clutching something glistening in his hands. It’s a bottle, Yuuri realizes, and when he gets closer, he sees the label and almost rolls his eyes. Even the least stereotypical Russian guy he’s ever met sticks with that one very stereotypical liquor. 

Yuuri pauses for a second, pondering whether he should say hi or ask him if he wants company first, but then he just sits down next to him as quietly as he can, and waits. 

A few minutes pass and when Viktor still doesn’t give any sign that he noticed someone sitting two feet from him, Yuuri clears his throat. 

“The weather is nice today…” he trails off awkwardly. Wow, Really? The weather? Way to go, he really has a way of starting deep conversations. _If_ this was going to be a deep conversation. _If_ there was going to be a conversation _at all_ , because Viktor still doesn’t say a thing, just takes a swig from the vodka. 

“Viktor…?” he tries again, worry apparent in his voice. 

Viktor finally sighs, closing his eyes with a half-smile on his face. 

“Yeah, it is.” And that’s it, that’s all he says, and it’s so not like him that Yuuri is completely lost here, he isn’t used to doing all the work, he doesn’t know how to get people to talk, usually he prefers when they don’t. And he’s really quite terrible at small-talk. And Viktor sounds so _sad_. 

As time keeps passing, Yuuri gets more and more uncomfortable and anxious, his former relaxed state of mind quickly blown to the wind as he tries to come up with something to say. He wants to ask what Viktor’s doing here, but that seems kind of rude? As if he doesn’t have a right to freeze his ass off sitting at a beach at night in winter, the responsible adult he is. He fiddles with the sand, glancing at the other man every now and then, silently pleading for him to say something, _anything_ , to put him out of his misery. 

He still doesn’t, but he offers the bottle to Yuuri, without looking at him. 

“No, thank you, I-I don’t really drink during the season,” Yuuri manages to stutter a reply, startled by the gesture. For some reason, Viktor snorts at that. He takes another drink, longer this time. 

“This place is amazing” he finally says. 

“It’s my favorite,” Yuuri says with a relieved smile. “I don’t know how I managed without seeing it for so many years. I only just realized how much I had missed home.” 

“That must have been hard.” Viktor’s voice is soft. “I’ve only ever lived in Saint Petersburg. Sure, I travel a lot with all these competitions, but I can’t imagine staying away for that long.” 

For some reason, that stings. As if it’s a reminder that he’ll leave sooner or later. Probably sooner. Yuuri’s heart clenches at the thought, but he knows he has no right to keep Viktor here. 

“It wasn’t easy,” Yuuri agrees. “But it was fun, having a roommate like Phichit and all.” He grins just thinking about his skater friend, _oh the kind of things he dragged Yuuri into…_

“I don’t know him that well, but he seems like he’s the life of the party wherever he goes,” Viktor chuckles. 

“Yeah, he really is. If it wasn’t for him…” he trails off, not finishing that thought. Instead, he laughs. “Let’s just say he’s responsible for at least ninety percent of my most embarrassing memories, but at least I have memories to be embarrassed about.” 

“Oh, so you have many of those, huh?” Viktor turns to him with one eyebrow raised teasingly. Yuuri can feel his face go red. 

“I’d rather not get into any of that,” he mumbles. 

“You’re the one who brought it up,” Viktor points out, but doesn’t push it anymore. Instead, he gulps down another mouthful of alcohol. _Just… where is this evening going_ , Yuuri wonders. 

They sit in silence for a while, but Yuuri isn’t that uncomfortable anymore. He still doesn’t know what Viktor is doing here, but at least he doesn’t seem mad at him despite the way he’s been acting. Still, he should be trying harder than this. If only he knew how to talk about feelings. If only he knew what Viktor needed right now. But coming from a family that was all about personal space and dealing with your struggles privately, he was just… lost. He never even had any European friends, hell, he barely had _friends_ to begin with. Phichit was almost always his cheerful, talkative self, and Yuuko was usually the one trying to console him, and Minako… well, Minako dealt with her problems her own way. And Yuuri hated when people tried to baby him, treated him like he was as fragile as glass, even though he was well aware how his breakdowns made him look to the people around him. So he always tried his best to keep it all to himself. Viktor isn’t like that, he already knows that much. He’s not one to suppress his feelings for the sake of others. He is still a private person, but in a very different way. Even if he keeps his real reasons mostly to himself, Viktor is the kind who reaches out to people for some sense of comfort. Mostly physical, and Yuuri isn’t really good at that either. God, he is so useless. 

“I’m sorry,” Yuuri mumbles without really thinking about it. 

“For what?” Viktor sounds surprised. It would be a lot easier if he wasn’t. If Yuuri didn’t have to put all this into words. But of course that’s not how the world works. 

“For keeping you waiting… ” he offers. Viktor tenses up a bit for some reason. “Like… all the time, with the music and everything.” 

Viktor sighs, dragging one hand down his face. “You don’t have to do that,” he says, already slurring a bit. “The things I expect from you… It’s never to push you beyond your limits. I only ever ask things from you that I believe you can do. You know that, right?” 

Yuuri doesn’t know what to say to that. How could he even begin to explain that it’s just not that easy, it’s never easy when you continuously have that voice in the back of your mind that doubts everything you do, everything you think, once again: is he being irrational when he feels like he’s just not good enough, or when he believes that he is? It’s a vicious cycle, it’s just one of those things people don’t _get._

"Yuuri?" 

Yuuri winces. He stayed silent for too long, now no matter what he says, Viktor will know the truth. 

Viktor mutters something that Yuuri doesn’t catch, before taking another swig from the bottle. Yuuri’s heartbeat quickens. He messed up, again. He made Viktor upset. He’s about to apologize again, when Viktor interrupts his thought process. 

“That’s our next goal then. To make you believe.” Yuuri blushes, managing to mumble a weak _okay_ , but nothing more. How Viktor intends to do that, he doesn’t have a clue. 

“You still have noooo idea,” Viktor almost sings. It’s a statement, not a question. It’s not wrong though, since he doesn’t even know what he’s supposed to be having any ideas about. Viktor doesn’t elaborate on that, instead, he not-so-gracefully stumbles to his feet, crowding over Yuuri, who in turn tries to make himself as small as possible. “Dance with me, Yuuri!” Viktor all but shouts down at him, extending an arm towards the startled skater. 

_Just… what?_

He can’t just say no though, so he reluctantly reaches out with a shaking hand, placing his fingers onto Viktor’s sand-covered palm, and next thing he knows, he’s being pulled up and dipped towards the ground in one fluid motion, somehow skipping the standing position altogether in the process. Yuuri yelps when for a second it seems like that Viktor misjudged his ability to keep his balance, but he still manages to stay upright in the end, although swaying a little bit, holding the other man with a firm hand placed on the middle of his back. _He should’ve accepted that drink_ , Yuuri thinks, blinking up at his coach, who’s looking down at him with an expression that Yuuri can’t decipher. And then he’s pulled upright again, letting Viktor guide his steps, and it works surprisingly well, as if they had done this before. Viktor even hums a tune to it, so terribly off-key that Yuuri laughs into his shoulder, temporarily letting go of just how crazy all of this is. And then he’s being swept off his feet again, literally, as he feels one of Viktor’s hands on his thigh and the other on his waist, bending backwards once again, sort of repeating their starting position. 

“This. This is what you do. What you did. To me,” Viktor says, his voice nothing more than a whisper, which makes absolutely no sense to Yuuri. What is he talking about? He doesn’t have time to ask him though, because now Viktor _does_ lose his balance, he stumbles to the side, but he still doesn’t let go of Yuuri’s hand, so when he falls over, Yuuri lands right on top of him, knocking the air out of both of them. He starts to panic, because this is very bad, Viktor could be seriously hurt, but then he hears – no, he _feels_ Viktor’s laughter, bursting out of him until he can hardly catch his breath, and Yuuri probably contributes to that by still lying on him, he realizes blushing violently, and he scrambles to his feet quickly, leaving the other man giggling on the ground. _Oh god what…_

When Viktor finally stops laughing, he looks up at Yuuri, with such fondness in his eyes that’s just another thing he’s going to store in the Viktor Nikiforov Folder in his brain, that is for keeping track of things Yuuri just can’t make sense of. There’s also sadness in there, and something he recognizes from the last press conference before Viktor showed up in Japan, something he couldn’t really name, but he feels it all the same. They stay like that for a bit, holding each other’s gaze, searching for answers for different questions, but then Viktor closes his eyes, as if he realized he’s given away too much. He sighs dramatically, and the moment is over. 

"Yuuri," he whines, dragging out the vowels in the name. “I can’t get up.” 

Well. That’s vodka for you. One minute you feel like you can do just about anything, and then it _hits_. Even if you’re Russian. 

_***_

_Viktor Nikiforov is heavy_ , Yuuri thinks, grunting from the effort trying to pull him upright. He’s all long limbs and athletic build through and through, and Yuuri is fairly strong after the vigorous training Viktor put him through, but still, lifting someone as uncooperative as a drunk man-slash-giggling-octopus with his arms and legs all over him isn’t easy. At first, they fall, Yuuri ending up on top of his coach once again. He lets out a frustrated groan before getting up, scratching his head. He isn’t really sure how to go about this, he doesn’t have much experience with carrying people home – _it was mostly the other way around_ , he thinks, embarrassment reddening his face. Viktor doesn’t seem to mind though. He keeps rambling about how he trusts Yuuri with his life, how he trusts him so much that he’d let Yuuri braid his hair ( _which? is really cute but what the hell_ , if several question marks are an emotion, that’s what Yuuri is feeling at this point) he’d probably let him take Makkachin for walks, and suggests that maybe if Yuuri drank the remaining alcohol, they’d just _teleport home._

It’s kind of funny and endearing, Yuuri has to admit, after rolling his eyes. He briefly considers downing the rest of the vodka for the sake of his sanity, but he quickly drops that idea. He has to be the responsible adult for once. Miraculously, he manages to keep Viktor upright long enough to wrap an arm around his waist and get him going with uncertain steps. It’s a slow process, and Yuuri really doesn’t want to think about just how far they are from home. 

Viktor keeps humming something between hiccups, and after a while Yuuri recognizes it as the Eros track. Well, neither of them look very seductive now, that’s for sure, with Yuuri sweating from the effort of supporting a whole other person’s weight, and Viktor with his clumsy steps and disheveled hair – _Okay, maybe that’s a lie,_ and Yuuri finds himself blushing once again. 

_***_

They aren’t even halfway there and Viktor keeps wanting to sit down. He’d be perfectly fine with taking a nap right there in the middle of the street, if Yuuri would just _let him. Evil, evil Yuuri, making him suffer like this_ , he whines, earning nothing but a snort. Yuuri can be ruthless when he wants to be; even the most heartbreaking pout and puppy eyes are useless against him, although he is dying a little bit on the inside. He thinks about how many photos Phichit would already have taken, and for once, he kind of regrets leaving his phone at home. He wouldn’t post pictures anywhere, of course, but still, this is a one-time experience. Viktor mutters something about suggesting Heart Cold as Ice as Yuuri’s theme for next season, and they have to stop for a moment where Yuuri considers just dumping the man in the bushes by the side of the road, because he’s just _done._

_***_

The air is getting colder now, and that seems to help Viktor a bit to regain some of his composure. He’s quiet now, and he no longer needs to rely on Yuuri for balance, but still, he keeps one arm around his shoulders, and Yuuri still has his own around Viktor’s waist. It feels natural. 

Yuuri sneaks a glance at the man walking besides him, but then he wishes he didn’t, because he just doesn’t know what to do with that expression he’s wearing. He seems to be lost in his own head, smiling, but it’s a bittersweet smile, like he just can’t shake that lingering sadness that’s sometimes more prominent than all those other times when he’s just so cheerful, so careless, full of excitement and energy. Yuuri wonders why that is, but this isn’t the time to ask, he decides. He’s already said way too many things, of which who knows how many he’ll regret in the morning. It’s better not to push it. He unconsciously tightens his arm around him, and Viktor responds with doing the same. 

They reach the inn without any further incidents, and they let go of each other, albeit a bit reluctantly, so they can climb the stairs, the final obstacle before they can both faceplant into their respective beds to sleep this night off. Yuuri lingers at the top, waiting for Viktor to catch up to him, to see if he really does make it to his room after all the trouble they went through to get him there. Viktor stops too, smiling down at Yuuri with blue eyes still a bit foggy. For a moment they just stand there a bit awkwardly. Yuuri can’t decide what he should say or do now, but in the end he doesn’t have to, because Viktor is suddenly there, pulling him into a gentle hug, burying his nose in Yuuri’s hair, fingers caressing his back with feather-light touch. He freezes for a second before slowly returning the embrace, sneaking his arms around Viktor’s waist once again, hoping he doesn’t notice his heart hammering in his chest. _How did they even get here? What is going on?_

“Tomorrow. We could take a day off together, and talk. If you want to, I mean.” He hears Viktor’s low voice right next to his ear and shivers. 

“Okay,” he nods when Viktor finally pulls back, showing that sad smile of his once again, that Yuuri just can’t look away from, even though it’s hard to witness. 

Viktor then takes his hand and plants a kiss on his knuckles, leaving Yuuri breathless. “Good night, and thank you!” 

Yuuri thinks, he hopes that he replied to that somehow, because he sure as hell doesn’t remember – _which one of us is drunk again_ , he wonders as he all but stumbles through his door, and straight up falls on his bed, not even bothering to remove the covers first. Today has been surreal. He has more questions than ever – so much for that good sleep he wanted to get tonight. There’s a story here that he’s missing, he knows that much, but he can’t even begin to figure out what that could possibly be. Still, he’s a professional at overthinking, and really, what’s another sleepless night after all… 

_***_

Much to Yuuri’s surprise, next thing he knows is that someone’s knocking at his door, calling his name, and there’s sunlight coming through his window, _and did he seriously sleep in his glasses_ , and then Viktor is standing in the middle of his room, looking cheerful and how is that _fair_ that Yuuri is the one feeling like he’s having a hangover? _Not fair at all._

And Viktor just smiles down at him, the sadness from yesterday nowhere to be seen. 

“We’ll skip practice today. Let’s go to the ocean!” 

**Author's Note:**

> Well, if you got this far, kudos to you!
> 
> find me on [tumblr](http://niktorvikiforov.tumblr.com)


End file.
